Lousy Musings of a Star-Studded Cowboy

Feeling anxious. Stressed. Horrible. 

I think love is a scary, beautiful thing.

 What is this, Love City out here? Loversville, USA of North Americlove? I mean, get real. 

I thought of you, last night. I was reading and listening to a sad song. Missing the sight of you, missing your touch, missing the inability to miss you. I cried. I didn’t tear up, I didn’t sob my heart out, but I really cried. I don’t know what made me feel the most, you, my book, or my sad song. But it all came back to you anyway. You’re my old song, y’know. I get you so stuck in my head, sometimes I hate it, but most times you’re a comfort. I’d like to lie and say it’s because you remind me of better, simpler times, but it’s just because it’s you. And I like the thought of you. Old songs come and go, but trying to forget them only makes them come back worse. You can’t really forget them, I think. They’re always there at the precipice, waiting to run back to you. But still. They’re just memories. And you’re not the one missing me back.

So many things still hurt Me. I was never one to let the past be the past. I’m on that bridge seeing how all the roads lead right back to me. Why does it follow me so closely, my shadow? I’m the one left with the memories, they do me no comfort. I burden myself with them, both good times and bad.  One day I’ll finally and truly be able to kill the old self.

Beer. 

I don’t think I’m living how I’m supposed to.

It’s so often hard to verbalize what is felt. 

I don’t know how to become whole again. I mean, how do you search for something when you can’t narrow down what exactly is missing? When you don’t even know what searching means in the first place? I think I am the same, yet I can feel myself changing. I notice it now. The only things I’ve lost, I’d like to think they are still within more. Broken and shattered but there all the same. I will pick up the pieces, no matter how deeply they may cut me. No matter how much I bleed. No matter how crooked and messy they may be when put back into place. I will accept my changes by letting myself cling to the past. I am old, I am new, I am here. I am a mosaic of rainy day memories and the smell of febreze and the anger in the clenched fist of a boy told not to cry. I am Whole.

My own army

I have to be the one to save myself. 

Peach fuzz for president.

It’s the crippling pressure of a man against the world. It’s the freedom of total and complete loneliness. The knowledge that your death wouldn’t even stop the fluttering of a butterfly. A complete pitch black lifestyle. Just how he likes it. No matter what his heartbeat tells him or the chills on the back of his neck whispers to him. It’s what he tells himself he likes. 

 I need you to kill me so we can both feel it. No, seriously. Rip me apart with your teeth and feel my flesh for the last time. How about we split it an even 50/50, so one day you can feel it too? I don’t think you’ve even started bleeding and you couldn’t stop it. For me, it never stopped. Day by day, dripping away, it never stopped. Do you want to feel it too? This time I’ll make you notice—how it feels to be broken and underneath the bugs. I know you like the taste of blood, you’re a killer. But this time you can feel it too.

 When you’re in between what you want and what you need, you must have the strength to choose both. 

 I thought I had to keep playing my part.

It’s a fight against the self. The infinite self. All the parts of you you try desperately to shut down, the parts that you hope will quiet indefinitely. 

 I need to find a place to chill that’s not the inside of my head. That place is not so chill.

 I just don’t think I’m strong enough for this 

 I'm trying to drown everything out, but I'm afraid I'm just drowning myself.

 I feel like I’m getting closer and closer to being him

 There’s something in me that says to continue. 

 I am not my sadness.

 Loving me is like like like  Sone

 sending a prayer up.

 These days I wish I was, just a little bit smarter.

You cool me down, you heat me up. Frozen bodies set alight by a crimson touch. Laughing together, surrending ourselves into the depths of lunacy. That crescent grin from above...It reminds me of you. It's hard to look right in front of me, my thoughts drifting upwards once again. You catch me floating. You catch me falling. I'm in love. I'm in love. I'm in love...

Why I gotta tell you the things ushouldkno?

I yell a lot. In my mind.