Lousy Musings of a Star-Studded Cowboy

 I feel stupid sometimes. But not today. Because I know I’m alive. Maybe not for others, but that’s enough. At least, I hope it will be for me, given time. To be enough is not a favor, it’s what we’re owed. All of us.

My bleeding breathing heart is just one of the many ways I know that I’m still alive. As long as love exists, my spirit will be there. And that I can promise 

Sharing all my promises with you, some things must be done together. Things I carried all alone, I realized, I didn’t have to anymore. I won’t let you fall apart, and you will always hold me together. That’s what it means to be intimate, to allow things to be shared. Disavowing so many notions of I. It’s we now. Our days are coming. 

 I have no strength within me. All that I’m going off is my faith. This faith is what I am. There’s never anything less than trying.

Sometimes life just makes you smile. The little things aren’t that little when they really matter. Anything can come to anybody. I’m holding on to whatever comes over and trying hard not to let go. These days everything means so much to me.

The biggest desire, the desire for peace. An overflowing passion, the desire for release. No road less travelled, only outcome is what you please. The pleasure to please, the power of “please”, the pleasure is sure. Cycling through the same words to make sense of an uncertain answer again and again and…

 Just a person. You’re not even part of my life. Holding you together while drunk, I see how sweet how messy you are. It’s not surprise. 

There’s always a spot for her in my heart. Sometimes I think she is my heart. She’s always right there within me, and I feel her constantly. Every time she beats I can hear it. I’ve always questioned if people think about me and what they think. But I’ve come to terms with knowing that the way I feel is much stronger than most others. I have yet to come to terms with accepting that unreciprocation. That might just be me exaggerating, though. Should the weight of a feeling be measured in intensity alone? Isn’t there more depth than that?

I am trying to believe in myself from the depths of my heart of hearts. All of life has been sewn into my sleeves, or is perhaps written somewhere up my sleeves. It’s a constant search for purpose that I’m beginning to realize might have been looking at me through the mirror all along.

 I just want something that can move me. Emotions is all or comes down to really.

I can’t believe I let myself get down again. The most vicious cycle.

The biggest personal failing that leaves me wanting to be better is failing as a friend. I pride myself on being good towards the people I love and knowing that I’ve hurt them, only breaks me down. I know what it’s like to have the people you care about leave you disappointed. I will be better. For their sake.

I’m giving my self over to me. This life, I own it. Even slowing down this sprint, I’m still running.

 Crushed.

 The end. And more

 The final call for second chances. It’s off, going going gone. No more hesitations and half steps. A push into a breakthrough.

 A rock and body can change the mind

blissed out, im listening to all the things ive whispered to me breaking free from the restraints ive set on myself at times because i know everything i lack and im moving past that  beating my face just doesnt do it for me anymore  belief, there is one belief, that things can be better  become more than just another second place trophy believe you wont hold yourself back anymore believe you  belong

Victorious through the injurious. We persevere.

I felt the space between your ear and your other ear. Drifted between one end to the other. It was chilling, not knowing what you think about me, while knowing that you think about me. A close friend asked me about us the other day. More accurately, he asked me about you. I couldn’t give him a good response. People talking about you and me and us was both comforting and nerve wracking. All I was able to say was that you drifted between my ear and my other ear.

Of course I wanted you in my life. I really thought I needed you. It’s all over. 

 Love is me. I create love. I spread love. That’s my craft.

You don’t even see me now. At times it feels like no one does. But YOU don’t. I’m getting pushed further and further away from your world. In all senses, I’m disappearing, not even appearing faintly as if from a dream. Even I’m losing sight of me now.

The mirror that watched you fall apart probably had the biggest laugh of the day. One of those times when you can’t express yourself in anything other than a false sense of absurd positivity. It washes all over you, then leaves you to be alone again. A phenomenal skit, a wordless, soundless gag. You can’t even bring yourself to feel the pain from all of it.

Reflections against reflections for the introspection. Thoughts bullet out of a leaky faucet. I’m watching myself closely. Eight eyes for every day of the week. Trying to make something productive but only spinning a web of lies. Bleeding straight through the thimble. And confidence in bonds.

I see terrible things when I’m asleep. I see terrible things when I’m awake. The line’s been blurred. My biggest fear is that I’ve passed an unseen threshold long, long ago.

How could I be so stupid? I was naive to think I wouldn’t bring it with me. It’s a type of tiredness that permeates through my ordinary life. It’s lingering, hanging around in the background but there all the same. Even when I got thought I could get over it, or at least through, it was there. Watching. And still it watches now.