Lousy Musings of a Star-Studded Cowboy

My dresser doesn’t open all the way. It’s blocked, but only slightly, by the air conditioner in the corner. When I try to get clothes from out of my closet it’s a similar struggle. There are so many hangers, so much space filled with nothing. It feels like I can never find what I need, or at least anything I’m looking for. Everything is closing in, shutting me out in the most casual way possible. Soon I’ll be left with nothing. Nothing but the space filled with all I don’t want besides me.

I am the one who hurts me the most Time and time again it seems like my choices lead me astray and down darker paths 

It’s not a sprint, it’s a marathon / what my brother Gordon told me. Most advice you know but you just have to hear someone else say. It’s a repetitive act, learning how to take it slow.

Off my face sleeping 

It’s still love. 

 It all sucks 

A few angels in my life. 

I’m taking it   Slow

I’m more than enough for me, which should be way more than enough for you.

19. Trying to make a change. 🤥

I don’t have anything to say. I have a lot of things to say. I have nothing I want to say. Nothing I want to speak out loud nor write. Speaking is turning something real. Drudging up everything from the inside, and placing the spotlight on it. So I don’t have anything to say.

I always get in the way of my own happiness.

Love to love love love you.

Love is in my heart and in my hands. One to give with, and the other to receive. I keep you in my memory, but most importantly, I keep you in my heart. Life is a journey and you’re helping me to learn. Even if I won’t see you, when I breathe in and breathe, that’s where I feel you. 

A smile that forces it upon your face and a warm heart. Everything just feels that much brighter, vivid and passionate but gentle still.

Lovey to love you in a day. How fast can it all unravel?

Truth comes out truth comes true.

We will always love you, that’s not your fault. Sometimes you hurt yourself just to see what you can bear. It hurts but it’s a pain you can smile through. You can try to smile through it, even when you still feel it.

Some movies just make you think. Not necessarily make you question or change your views, but just think. I have a lot to chew on. Perhaps my beliefs will just be reaffirmed. Or maybe I’ll be the one that moves. It’s a freeing feeling sometimes. Not knowing what the future holds. You don’t have to trust in anything but the endless possibilities of everything. It still doesn’t make the most sense to me. But slowly, you might be able too see yourself made new.

I was too scared to seek the things that only I could give myself. Motivation runs thin, but only because I let it.

Most things I do just makes me feel worse. But like Sisyphus, we persevere (and get hurt, and persevere, and get hurt…)

I’m doing this for you and me. Trying to make something for us. I don’t think I could ever go back to being alone. Once bitten, forever remembering.

I’ve always wanted to be powerful. But not in the way that a bullet is. More like a kiss. The impact is similar, I guess, but one is much more lovely. To have strength through that type of beauty, that’s the aspiration. Not just a force of nature but a force of good. Honestly, I think I’m just tired of being small. Feeling like I matter and my existence means just a little more than “something” to someone out there is a football I’ve been trying to kick for years. To love and to be loved. Like a kiss. 

 Trying it out. Loving that new life. living it now

I tried so very hard. And then I went for a walk.

I’m in the spot for learning. I’m choosing me on a continuous path where it seems like all the outsides want in. This is my life. I choose all I become. I’ll continue like that.

 There are no stars. No shining spotlights. No great suns.

I love my friends, I can't wait to see them. The only thing I'll have to question is if my sacrifices were ultimately worth it. You can't give everything to the wrong people. I now know that. People who care about you and notice the things you do. Those are the good ones. It can hurt when that energy isn't reciprocated. And I KNOW that it's all a matter of perspective, but I also know how much I give. I know my value. Can they say the same?

I waited for you at the bar. If it was last night in paradise I thought I would want to see a friendly face. Whether it’s at the end of the world or the start of one, it’s better to face it with someone else. You only have one opportunity to make the choice you have to.

Let’s stay together. there’s something special about the number two. All you need is one other to be each other’s worlds entire. To have someone who you can belong to, no matter who you are. It doesn’t take much. It just takes two.